Beer

a short story

Dan and Joe rebel every summer night with beer and prank calls in a tent set up in Dan's backyard. Joe sneaks the stolen beer from his dad's fridge while Dan creates laughs. No rules, no parents. Dan presses random numbers on the phone, seeking for a victim to their antics. 

"Bob speaking," a man says. 

"What do tofu and dildos have in common?" Dan asks, his voice in a fake girlish character.  

"I dunno,” Bob says.

"They’re both meat substitutes." Dan says. 

Surprisingly, Bob isn't cussing him out, unlike all the other hundreds of people they have called over the years

"I’d like to show you my meat,” Bob says.

Dan hesitates.

Dan says, biting his lip to stifle a laugh, "I have big titties."

"Oh yeah?" Bob says 

"THUMP THUMP THUMP" 

"What's that sound?" Dan asks.  

"My cock slapping the phone," Bob says. 

Joe pretends to vomit and snatches the phone from Dan, ending the call

"Why?" Dan asks.

"Fucking pervert," Joe says. 

Dan sits in his room the next morning, eyes glued to the phone beside him. The call with Bob last night still echoes in his mind, each word etched into his memory. A part of him yearns for more, craving the rush and excitement he felt while talking to another man that way. Bob answers on the first ring, as if he had been waiting by the phone all night. He asks Dan's name and age, and Dan responds with a lie - Tina, twelve years old. 

Bob asks if he likes men in their 70s, to which Dan replies, yes. There is a pause, and then Bob says he is hard. Dan tries to picture Bob as young and attractive, like the guys in the school locker room, but all he can imagine is an old man clutching his prehistoric dick. Still, Dan spews insults and vulgar words at Bob, who grows more aroused with each one. The sounds of Bob's breathing and thrashing fill the phone line, punctuated by guttural moans and heavy breaths. Sunday morning phone calls with Bob. It is Dan's sexual outlet, and during those calls, he fantasizes about the guys in the school locker room.

Summer days stretch endlessly with Dan and Joe, sharing a tent and causing trouble together. 

"Prank calls and beer?” Dan asks Joe.

“No beer. I think my dad suspects I’m stealing them.” says Joe.

Dan dials Bob's number, his voice laced with seduction. Bob responds with equal desire, his tone quickly turning carnal. But Dan can't reveal their Sunday morning phone sex sessions to Joe, so he remains coy and brief. However, Bob is tired of playing over the phone and urges for a face-to-face encounter. "I want to suck on your titties," he says to which Dan agrees only if Bob brings beer. They decide to meet at the Dairy Queen, where Dan will call from a payphone in the parking lot. Joe reluctantly agrees to join, enticed by the promise of alcohol. 

Dan needs women's clothing to become Tina, so he asks Joe's sister, Anna, to help in exchange for half of the beer. She leads Dan to her overflowing closet and hands him a jumble of vibrant dresses, skirts, and boots. Dan can't help but laugh at the absurdity of it all as he stuffs toilet paper into his bra. He settles on a tight black dress, knee-high boots, and a blonde wig to complete the disguise, admiring his boyish figure with makeshift curves in the mirror. 

Anna wields her makeup with precision, transforming Dan's face into a bold canvas of electric blue eyeshadow and rebellious lipstick. The trio sneaks out of the house through the living room past Joe and Anna's dad, who is preoccupied with drinking beer and watching that TV show about a former high school football player turned hard-luck women's shoe salesman. 

At Dairy Queen, Dan hesitates at the phone booth while Joe and Anna hide behind a hedge, holding rocks as ammo in case things go awry. He takes a deep breath and dials Bob's number. 

"Got the beer?" Dan asks. 

"Yes." Bob says. 

The walls of the phone booth are covered in graffiti, crude and sexual. Dan traces his finger over the etchings of a knife-carved dick on the cold metal surface. Suddenly, he hears a rumble and turns to see a truck pulling up to the phone booth, a man’s dark silhouette illuminated by the neon Dairy Queen sign. Dan approaches the passenger side of the truck and opens the door. Inside, a flickering dome light reveals a six pack of beer on the seat next to Bob. His bloodshot eyes stare at Dan through his purple cratered nose, which twitches uncontrollably. As he opens his mouth to speak, mucus drips from it in thick strands. 

"Get in," Bob says.

Dan motions his eyes towards Bob's crotch, whispering, "Whip it out." 

Bob unzips his jeans, revealing a mangy gray tuft and shriveled cock. Dan swallows his own puke that almost spews from his mouth. Bob hesitates, sensing his deceit, and pulls the beer closer with his greasy fingers. Dan knows he must act fast, or Bob might catch on. Dan gives in and slips the dress off his shoulders, revealing his scant hairy titless chest. Bob lunges and shouts for him to get in the truck. Dan grabs the beer, but Bob clutches ahold of his wrist. 

Joe and Anna charge out from behind the hedge, hurling rocks at Bob's truck. Dan breaks free. The sound of metal crunching fills the air as Bob reverses into another car, his bumper dangling loose. He speeds off with sparks flying from his dragging bumper. Anna smashes the back window with a rock, glass raining down like crushed ice as Joe joins in by throwing more rocks at the fleeing truck. 

“Fucking pervert” Anna screams.

They trudge back to Joe and Anna's house. Dan's appearance mirrors that of a hooker who has just finished a weeklong shift on the streets without a break. But the beer in his hand serves as his symbol of victory. Anna leans into the front door, slowly peeking in as the door slowly creaks. Joe and Anna's dad hears the creaking, and they stand silently in the doorway. 

"What the fuck happened to Dan?" he asks.

"Used him for beer bait at Dairy Queen," Joe says.

He scoffs, "Stupid fucking kids. Might as well take some of my beer, I know you've been swiping it behind my back anyway." 

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